Dear Erika, The Cynical Diaries

Dear Erika,

This morning I posted to that one site a commentary on recognizing fake articles that promote your hometown. After writing that, I thought that perhaps it was a little too condemning to the people who shared the actual article I was referring to. But, I thought it made me laugh anyway, so it is a keeper. Some things I post to that one site and realize that it is stupid, or mean, and it doesn’t make me laugh, so I delete it. So, I am considering making a new page or blog post subject called, “The Cynical Diaries.” Although, it might be already a thing. Hold on, let me check…

Okay. In my search I’ve netted 2 sites. The first one is a Tumblr site whose web address is named “foolish-beetle.” The name of their blog is “The cynical diaries,” and it is pictures and gifs and such that aren’t what I would necessarily consider cynical. They haven’t posted since April 2016. The other one is actually called “Cynical Diaries.” It is a Russian(?) site that is on blogspot, and hasn’t posted since 2012. I’m not sure how cynical it actually is, but it’s basically non-existent to the freedom-loving breed of Americanalism I think my target audience may be. And it looks a little sketchy, so I didn’t delve to deeply.

Wait a second… Maybe I am confused on what the definition of cynical actually is. Let’s check it out:

cyn·i·cal

ˈsinək(ə)l/

adjective

adjective: cynical

1. 1. believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.

   “her cynical attitude”

   • doubtful as to whether something will happen or whether it is worthwhile.

     “most residents are cynical about efforts to clean mobsters out of their city”

     synonyms:

     skeptical, doubtful, distrustful, suspicious, disbelieving; More

     antonyms:

     idealistic

   • contemptuous; mocking.

     “he gave a cynical laugh”
2. 2. concerned only with one’s own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them.

   “a cynical manipulation of public opinion”

I believe the main component comes from the first definition in my case. Specifically, “distrustful of human… integrity.” Also, the synonyms help: skeptical, doubtful, suspicious. Especially when it comes to people’s motivations.

I understand I am a skeptical person and perhaps you, or some people, may not think that being cynical jibes with my Christian beliefs, but I believe that it is a characteristic that is essential to my core, and the results of my cynicism may be what most should be measured against my beliefs. That is to say, how I use my cynicism reveals what I believe. Sometimes it irks me to hear people justifying their behavior because Christ did it, and I don’t want to do that, but in a way, Christ was cynical.

Does it make someone cynical in knowing people’s motivations, or simply in guessing their motivations?

Anyway, I’m wondering about where to post my “Cynical Diaries.” Should it be a facebook site, or should I just make it a feature of one of my 2 different blogs? You know I have 2, right? This one, which is me, undeniably. And the other one: “Former Stranger In Rebellion,” which use to be “Stranger In Rebellion,” and now is my more “fun,” rarely posted to sites (although this one has become quite rare as well). On FSIR, I had a run of “Memes that make me go, huh?” which I enjoyed and this might be the same. Although this one that I’m considering may have more writing and thus might not be as accessible. But, then again, I have saved a few memes and think that maybe I could incorporate those into the new feature. The other thing I’m thinking of is changing the name of FSIR to “The Cynical Diaries.” Hmmm… What do you think.

Your brother,

Mark

Dear Erika, The Beginning of Stories

Dear Erika,

I forgot to call Chris yesterday. No, that isn’t right. I failed to call Chris yesterday. And much like when I forgot to call you on your birthday, I feel the need to appease myself. Not that I probably will, but that doesn’t mean I won’t make a feeble attempt. After all, my not calling you on your birthday has led to this… I made a promise that I would call you every day that week and share something with you. That was a lot of fun for me. I was sharing my life with you, even though I’m not even sure you received the voicemails or texts. I think it was the idea that I was reaching out to a world that may be forgetting me, much like I, regrettably, am forgetting it. I called a couple of times in the last week or so, and left my rambling voicemails, and thought that I need to make a more permanent record of this life I now live.

Last Sunday, I was in our deacon meeting and they were talking about family reunions. Then David mentioned about how glad he was that I didn’t move several years back. Joe asked me how I felt about it and I was dwelling on the fact of family reunions. It hurts a little to think about what I am missing. The growth of your children and generally being in your lives on a day-to-day basis… or more rightly week-to-week… let’s stick with month-to-month then. I think I miss the idea of you all than the reality. Let’s face it, since we grew up and hadn’t had the weekly going over to Nana and Papa’s house every week or so, we were growing apart. Maybe not so dramatic as that; but we didn’t see each other as much as I’d like to have. Everyone had their life, and I had mine.

Stacey and I try to instill the idea of family bonds to our girls whenever there is a riff between them. We see the separation between Stacey and her family, physically, emotionally, spiritually and philosophically, and we desire to break that cycle with them. I don’t want to say that it is the same with all of us on my side of the family, but the chasm grows wider, and this is my feeble attempt to connect.

I am here in West Plains for the time being, and that is where I’ll stay until I am drawn otherwise. It has been such an area of growth for all of us that I can’t imagine my life any other way. It is hard to see that the distance is so huge, that I can’t afford to make a trip back more often than I’d like. We have a jar in our bookshelf that says “Utah Trip” that has some money in it, that we’d like to see full before the end of the year. But it stays mostly empty as things come up.

Anyway, I’ll keep this writing up, as I feel a great need to do so, and I hope in some way you look forward to them. I’m going with Chris to see Iron Maiden next week in Kansas City, and taking Ella too. Think of it! I remember going to see Iron Maiden when I was near her age and couldn’t imagine Mom or Dad going with me. But now I have the opportunity to take my daughter… to Iron Maiden. Ha! I hope it’s something she’ll always remember.

Speaking of remembering things, I remember the connection we had when I’d tell you stories about unicorns and a certain little girl. I know you remember that because we always talk about it. Now I’m going to tell you more stories. Stories of a more real nature. Hopefully they’ll connect with you in ways we have been missing since I left.

Your brother,

Mark

Dear Erika, Burpee Visions

Dear Erika,

This morning we did “Jacobfit.” We were supposed to do it last night but because the new headmaster came in it interrupted things. I’ve been exercising regularly in the Crossfit style for a few months now with Jacob as our instructor. And, we call it Jacobfit. We go Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights. This morning our work out was “As Many Rounds as Possible” of 10 burpees, 20 wall-balls, and a 250 meter run, in 20 minutes. I ended up with 3 rounds plus 16. After completing it, I was amazed that I did 40 burpees, 66 wall-balls and 750 meters. Thinking about attempting that several months ago makes me glad where I am right now. I mean, several times in this period I like to call, being alive, I’ve tried different kind of workouts; running, swimming, ellipticals. Nothing ever stuck, and my motivation level was low.

I wish I could say that if I was in Salt Lake right now, that I’d be doing this, but that is extremely doubtful. These people, and this difficulty of being away from you all, has changed me. The other day someone asked me the goal of why I was working out, and it is that I want to be healthy. But it’s more than that. I want to live past our father’s and his father’s age. When I got the cat bite and had to spend some time in the emergency room, I watched people. They were all so (apparently at least) unhealthy. That was a huge turning point as well. I was just becoming consistent with the exercise, then I get this bit that draws me to the place I don’t want to see: The immediate consequence of bad choices. All people in the emergency weren’t their by their own direct choices, but it is what I saw. And that is what is driving me now.

Laying on the ground during my third round of burpees, I see fat people in reinforced chairs, and I get up again. That could be me. I’m still fat, and have a long way to go, but I have a goal.

What is an immediate goal for you lately?

Your brother,

Mark

Dear So and So: Brazilian Fellow Home Base Coworker

Dear American Fellow Home Base Coworker,

When I came to America I was a very bitter young man. Everywhere I looked I saw abundance and yet you people were unsatisfied. I came here on a student visa seeking to better myself through education and then money: lots of money. Through some miscommunication I lost the funds for my education and for unforeseen reasons I could not get back to Brazil. I jumped from job to job in dreadful Utah, looking for the one that would tell me I was in the right place for advancement and money. When I came to Home Base, I saw your face. Your face made me very angry. Your face reminded me of a weak loser I beat up in school as a youth, the man on television who introduced the cartoons I was forced to watch because it was my younger sister’s turn, and the man behind the desk who couldn’t speak Portuguese well enough to explain to me why I don’t have MONEY! You can see why your face made me angry. So when I explained to you that I hated you and needed to beat you up, in my not-so-good English, it just made me angrier when you could not understand and when you even looked a little scared. You were going to bloody my fists with your face, the face that makes me angry. You understand, right? Your face was something I could not stand in my presence. I have since realized that the pleasure I found in scaring you and lying awake at night imagining my fist in your face, do not fulfill me like it used to. I now find sculpting miniature bunnies out of my ear wax of a most fulfilling nature I never imagined. And since I have plenty of time on my hands, I can hone and shape those skills to my utmost pleasure. Just wanted to let you know, imagining your face no longer makes me angry.

Sincerely,
Brazilian Fellow Home Base Coworker
Pendleton Correctional Facility

 

Dear Brazilian Fellow Home Base Coworker,

I have to admit that remembering our time together at Home Base comes to mind once in a while. The memory of standing in front of you brings more confusion and sympathy rather than fear. I am glad you took the time to explain to me why my face made you so angry. I appreciate other people’s reasoning, even if it may lead to fear and violence. We all have a story to tell. When I feel angry or unjustified, I recall what occurred two-thousand years ago, to a man who has had much effect on which I am now. All the anger, hatred and fear came upon him in an unjust way. He didn’t deserve what he got, but he took it anyway, knowing it was the only way people could have a relationship with him, and thus gives us an opportunity to resolve the differences we have with each other. Since you did write, I wanted to let you know that even though you are far away, that I am willing to have an open conversation with you about whatever you would like, but alas it can never be face-to-face since I do not want to test the limits of what my face would do to your anger. In reality I am astounded for the opportunity to speak to one who had a profound moment in a miniscule bit of time. Who I was then never imagined where I was to be 25 years after the fact, let alone where you ended up. I am in a particular amount of shock right now. I hope all goes well with you and your craft. Write me soon.

Sincerely,
American Fellow Home Base Coworker

Introducing Two New Mayo Flavors

I have now come to the point in my writing where I want to get back to some less serious business. “Undeniably Mayo” has been primarily sermon summaries and my personal testimony. “Stranger In Rebellion” (my former blog) was at the beginning, a more comic examination of my life, and later became more serious. I was always able to fall back on writing what I thought was something more witty or fanciful, when I felt the need. And lately I’ve felt the need. I know this might disturb some of you who believe I need to stay on topic, but then again it is my blog, so… there. (I don’t mean for that to sound so immature, but, ya know.)

“Just Sayin'” is one of the new categories that will heavily rely upon subjects other than spiritual. Monday’s entry entitled, “Let Them Eat Lower Gas Prices” is an example of “Just Sayin'”. In fact that post gave me the idea to start this new segment.

The second new category will be entitled, “Dear So And So”. This will be a contemplative examination of what it would be like if someone I hurt in the past or one who hurt me, wrote to me, telling of their remembrances and my answering them. I will take both their side and what my reply may be. I thought of this category because of what I have been thinking a lot about lately: conflict and resolution. This also stems from the fact that I believe someone is going to come to me, prepared to give me correction, and I am preparing myself to be open and willing to receive something that may hurt me. There was an article I wrote on SIR where I recalled what a jerk I was, and I still feel troubled by my actions. So, basically, this is practice, but also I think will be a lot of fun. More along the lines of “Strange Confessions” with a mightier purpose.

See you soon.

~Mayo